Wednesday, July 21, 2010

100 pounds

Today I went to the Dr. and I am back to 100 lbs. Yay :(

I don’t want to deal with this for the rest of my life but I would rather deal with it than gain weight. This isn't a disease it's a decision for my future!
Yes, sometimes I skip meals just to feel the victory and sometimes I stare at my stomach in the mirror just to motivate myself and sometimes I eat just to feel guilty about it. I deprive myself so often that it kind of builds up and it gets harder and harder to control. I wish it were easier to just stop eating and exercise more but it’s the constant presence of it in my mind and the turning it over and over and the planning and the distorting and then I start to hyperventilate and I snap at my parents and I flex every muscle in my body and I suck my stomach in and the only things I can guiltlessly consume are ice water and celery. I want to be impossibly thin. I don’t ever want to see anyone thinner than me. I don’t care if this doesn’t make me more beautiful. All I want is to be thin and thinner and thinner than her.
Maybe it’s na├»ve of my parents to let me go back to school in a month. I should, honestly, be sent to live on a farm for a year. I should be forced to come to terms with myself.

Here is one pretty outfit that I am currently coveting.



Also, if any of you are catholic... or just interested.... this prayer is my favorite.

Anima Christi

Soul of Christ, sanctify me.
Body of Christ, save me.
Blood of Christ, inebriate me.
Water from the side of Christ, wash me.
Passion of Christ, strengthen me.
O good Jesus, hear me.
Within Thy wounds, hide me.
Separated from Thee let me never be.
From the malignant enemy, defend me.
At the hour of death, call me.
To come to Thee, bid me,
That I may praise Thee in the company
Of Thy Saints, for all eternity.

Amen.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

my body is a cage

i've decided to stop doing the eating posts (obviously). they just give me a reason to think and obsess about food even more. i think i might be getting back in control slowly. food had become entirely disconnected from hunger, taste etc. and all about how i feel and how i look. i had (and sometimes still have) absolutely no control over when i eat/how much and purging is a whole other story. it's confusing to think about what's going on in my head and even harder to explain. anyways, i'm trying to ignore my feelings and eat normal meals. i don't really have a clue what normal is so i'm trying to eat about as much as my mother does.
i'm still screwing up though and feeling the wrong way about things. i will purposefully eat less than her to feel a small victory. it's pathetic, really.
and no matter what i do there isn't a single thing i think about more than food. this disorder has also brought about some other things that will probably be around for a while:
1. my aversion to eating around people
2. my aversion to people eating around me
3. my tendency to become agitated and snappy when food/eating is discussed (even if it's unrelated to me or my problem)

on the other hand these are some positive things:
1. i no longer dislike tomatoes or eggplant (probably because i have put all food on a pedestal. and i know what it feels like to deny myself food so all food suddenly becomes better)
2. more frequent exercise (even though sometimes it can be compulsive and excessive i don't think exercise is ever bad)

so yeah. that's that. things are better in my house. i'm talking to my parents more and i'll be able to go back to school in the fall (yay i hope).
i feel like i haven't done anything legitimately fun in a very long time. basically i'm either at work or sitting in my house reading blogs and watching hulu.

i should get out and go get a pretty manicure like this:

Thursday, July 8, 2010

I have some questions I need answered...
1. Are all substances bad all the time?
2. Whose example do I follow?
3. What moral code do I use to make decisions?
4. Do I distance myself from people who I know aren't good examples?
5. How do I resist temptation FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE?

I'm not strong enough! I do things on whims and I don't think twice :/

Anyways, these looks from the fall topshop lookbook made my day:









Tuesday, July 6, 2010

my body is a temple.

this weekend i went to my grandparents house on the bay with my family and my two cousins. while there, my cousin (15) and i snuck a couple glasses of wine and accepted when my brother offered weed to us. my cousin then told her sister who told her dad who called my parents. i'm not sure what will happen. i was hoping to go back to school in the fall but now i don't know if they will let me. also, my brother has been living at the house and now his girlfriend is leaving him because she can't handle the drama. he was going to start working for my father because his current archeology dig is ending and now they're obviously not on good terms so he doesn't know what he will do. he thinks his life is over.
i personally don't care what happens to me. whatever my parents want to do i will take. my only goal is graduating from college and going to law school so i can get a good job.
i am so tired of hiding things and not being the right kind of person. i want to be able to have fun without drinking and smoking and i don't want to have to starve myself to feel pretty. my body is a temple. i will tell myself that every day until i believe it.

Thursday, July 1, 2010

gluttony is a deadly sin.

Ughhhhh what do I do? Do I eat when I want to? Do I stuff myself full of cookies like I want to? What do I do when I feel disgusting and fat? I would eat all day if I could but the feeling that I would have if I did is something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. Why do I have to deal with this every day?
I hate it.
I want to live in a foodless world. Or lock myself away with a treadmill, lots of books, and a small bag of celery in the fridge.

Food

Breakfast: iced coffee, raisin bran, whole milk, a scoop of vanilla yogurt (i'm a creature of habit)
Lunch: blt on french bread fresh from the bakery
Dinner: none
Snacks: 3 cookies, luigi's italian frozen ice


Exercise: 30 minute walk, 15 mins of yoga/pilates

Hi to all my non-existant readers :)
I think today is a good day. Last night I succeeded in not thinking about food nonstop and hopefully today I can keep it up. I also stood up for myself last night. I was supposed to go hang out with this guy (who has a world record in weight-lifting! but that's not important). I just got out of a relationship and I am really not trying to be attached to anyone right now and I also don't want to have casual hookups. It makes me feel bad. I hang out with (sleep with) people because they want me to regardless of how I feel about it way too often. So, I tried to explain that to him last night. He just ended up confused but whatever.

So, #1 on my shopping list for the fall is a cute bag I can carry around my laptop in. I found 3 satchels that I love but I feel like I'll probably have to spend a day carrying my laptop around to stores to find a good fit. These are some favorites I've found so far:

Forever 21 Worn Large Leatherette tote $32.80
Net-a-Porter

PROENZA SCHOULER

PS1 Medium suede satchel

$1,595
Cambridge Satchel Company £73.00
Urban Outfitters Canvas Caryall Satchel $48

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

I woke up with a headache so my plans for going to the Folklife Festival on the mall in D.C. aren't happening :/
I always love this festival because of it's super good ethnic food, cool concerts, unique products for sale etc. Anyways, the bohemian flair that surrounds this festival is something I would love to incorporate into my style. I thought this outfit was a cool take on the bohemian/dessert look!



Anyways, I know that I should be getting better and I know I should eat normally and all that but it's so hard! I keep trying to find ways around meals but my parents are like hawks. Eating a meal and knowing I can't purge after literally makes my skin crawl. There are 2 sides to it really: I want to eat and eat and eat and I also hate food and never want to look at it again. I honestly wish that food didn't exist. How did I start thinking about it so much? I never used to worry about food and I wish I could go back to that.
When I get back to school I will have complete freedom. I'm not sure what I will do with it. Controlling what I eat is probably going to happen no matter what but I really don't want to start purging again.

So, in terms of food today I have eaten:
for breakfast - a bowl of raisin bran with whole milk, blueberries, and a scoop of vanilla yogurt
for lunch - grilled cheese sandwich on whole grain bread
for dinner - a slice of quiche, eggplant and tomatoes

Exercise:
15 minutes of calisthenics/pilates
30 minute walk

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

yucky feelings

AAAANNNND i ate a bowl of ice cream. the one thing i can't escape is the feeling of weakness when i eat. eating that ice cream made me feel worthless. i know i should be able t0 eat whatever i want to but impulse-eating makes me feel like shit afterwards. at least i didn't purge (and haven't since sunday!). tomorrow will be better.

It's a brand new day

This is my first post!
I'm Kit, an 18 year old political science major in college, lifeguard, recovering anorexic/bulimic, smoker, drinker, and fashion enthusiast.
I'm not very creative and not very original and
I would be ok if no one ever followed this blog but I just want to put my thoughts out there.
I want somewhere to write down my recovery journey, health tips, recipes, fashion ideas, music, stuff I like etc.

I recently told my p
arents about my eating disorder and they flipped shit. There is a pH detector on every pipe in the house so they will know if I purge, I have to eat 3 meals a day (plus force-fed snacks), doctor's visits, and possible withdrawal from college if they don't think I'm better by the time school starts. When I went to the doctor last week I weighed in at 94 lbs and I have to be up to 100 lbs and eating normally/not purging to go back to school.
The doctor said I should keep a journal and write down what I eat so I make sure to eat normal meals. I figured this was just as good :)

So, my basic plan is this:
every day I will post what I've eaten, the exercise I've gotten, and 1 other fun thing (my outfit for the day, a piece of clothing I'm in love with, a must-have new album, a good recipe I tried or something like that)

I guess I'll go ahead and start...
Breakfast: cup of Dannon Caramel yogurt, iced coffee with nonfat milk and a spoonful of hershey's chocolate syrup
Morning snack: apricot, 8 Wheat Thins, 2 squares of Ghiradelli dark chocolate
Lunch: quesadilla (1 flour tortilla, chopped chicken, cilantro, monterrey jack cheese), 1 cookie (I'm going to post the recipe for these. SOOOOO good.)
Dinner: 1 slice of spinach/bacon quiche

Exercise: 30 minute walk with my labradoodle puppy Maggie

So, I think today was good. I didn't purge and I feel ok. Slightly fat in the stomach area but ok.
I made these cookies yesterday and they are to die for!

Ingredients

  • 1 cup butter, softened
  • 1 1/2 cups white sugar
  • 2 eggs
  • 2 teaspoons vanilla extract
  • 2 cups all-purpose flour
  • 2/3 cup cocoa powder
  • 3/4 teaspoon baking soda
  • 1/4 teaspoon salt
  • 2 cups semisweet chocolate chips
  • 1 cup coconut flakes

Directions

  1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F (175 degrees C).
  2. In large bowl, beat butter, sugar, eggs, and vanilla until light and fluffy. Combine the flour, cocoa, baking soda, and salt; stir into the butter mixture until well blended. Mix in the chocolate chips and walnuts. Drop by rounded teaspoonfuls onto ungreased cookie sheets.
  3. Bake for 8 to 10 minutes in the preheated oven, or just until set. Cool slightly on the cookie sheets before transferring to wire racks to cool completely. Enjoy! They are the best cookies in the world and they keep well.