Wednesday, July 14, 2010

my body is a cage

i've decided to stop doing the eating posts (obviously). they just give me a reason to think and obsess about food even more. i think i might be getting back in control slowly. food had become entirely disconnected from hunger, taste etc. and all about how i feel and how i look. i had (and sometimes still have) absolutely no control over when i eat/how much and purging is a whole other story. it's confusing to think about what's going on in my head and even harder to explain. anyways, i'm trying to ignore my feelings and eat normal meals. i don't really have a clue what normal is so i'm trying to eat about as much as my mother does.
i'm still screwing up though and feeling the wrong way about things. i will purposefully eat less than her to feel a small victory. it's pathetic, really.
and no matter what i do there isn't a single thing i think about more than food. this disorder has also brought about some other things that will probably be around for a while:
1. my aversion to eating around people
2. my aversion to people eating around me
3. my tendency to become agitated and snappy when food/eating is discussed (even if it's unrelated to me or my problem)

on the other hand these are some positive things:
1. i no longer dislike tomatoes or eggplant (probably because i have put all food on a pedestal. and i know what it feels like to deny myself food so all food suddenly becomes better)
2. more frequent exercise (even though sometimes it can be compulsive and excessive i don't think exercise is ever bad)

so yeah. that's that. things are better in my house. i'm talking to my parents more and i'll be able to go back to school in the fall (yay i hope).
i feel like i haven't done anything legitimately fun in a very long time. basically i'm either at work or sitting in my house reading blogs and watching hulu.

i should get out and go get a pretty manicure like this:

No comments:

Post a Comment