Today I went to the Dr. and I am back to 100 lbs. Yay :(
I don’t want to deal with this for the rest of my life but I would rather deal with it than gain weight. This isn't a disease it's a decision for my future!
Yes, sometimes I skip meals just to feel the victory and sometimes I stare at my stomach in the mirror just to motivate myself and sometimes I eat just to feel guilty about it. I deprive myself so often that it kind of builds up and it gets harder and harder to control. I wish it were easier to just stop eating and exercise more but it’s the constant presence of it in my mind and the turning it over and over and the planning and the distorting and then I start to hyperventilate and I snap at my parents and I flex every muscle in my body and I suck my stomach in and the only things I can guiltlessly consume are ice water and celery. I want to be impossibly thin. I don’t ever want to see anyone thinner than me. I don’t care if this doesn’t make me more beautiful. All I want is to be thin and thinner and thinner than her.
Maybe it’s naïve of my parents to let me go back to school in a month. I should, honestly, be sent to live on a farm for a year. I should be forced to come to terms with myself.
Here is one pretty outfit that I am currently coveting.
Also, if any of you are catholic... or just interested.... this prayer is my favorite.
Soul of Christ, sanctify me.
Body of Christ, save me.
Blood of Christ, inebriate me.
Water from the side of Christ, wash me.
Passion of Christ, strengthen me.
O good Jesus, hear me.
Within Thy wounds, hide me.
Separated from Thee let me never be.
From the malignant enemy, defend me.
At the hour of death, call me.
To come to Thee, bid me,
That I may praise Thee in the company
Of Thy Saints, for all eternity.