Wednesday, July 21, 2010

100 pounds

Today I went to the Dr. and I am back to 100 lbs. Yay :(

I don’t want to deal with this for the rest of my life but I would rather deal with it than gain weight. This isn't a disease it's a decision for my future!
Yes, sometimes I skip meals just to feel the victory and sometimes I stare at my stomach in the mirror just to motivate myself and sometimes I eat just to feel guilty about it. I deprive myself so often that it kind of builds up and it gets harder and harder to control. I wish it were easier to just stop eating and exercise more but it’s the constant presence of it in my mind and the turning it over and over and the planning and the distorting and then I start to hyperventilate and I snap at my parents and I flex every muscle in my body and I suck my stomach in and the only things I can guiltlessly consume are ice water and celery. I want to be impossibly thin. I don’t ever want to see anyone thinner than me. I don’t care if this doesn’t make me more beautiful. All I want is to be thin and thinner and thinner than her.
Maybe it’s naïve of my parents to let me go back to school in a month. I should, honestly, be sent to live on a farm for a year. I should be forced to come to terms with myself.

Here is one pretty outfit that I am currently coveting.

Also, if any of you are catholic... or just interested.... this prayer is my favorite.

Anima Christi

Soul of Christ, sanctify me.
Body of Christ, save me.
Blood of Christ, inebriate me.
Water from the side of Christ, wash me.
Passion of Christ, strengthen me.
O good Jesus, hear me.
Within Thy wounds, hide me.
Separated from Thee let me never be.
From the malignant enemy, defend me.
At the hour of death, call me.
To come to Thee, bid me,
That I may praise Thee in the company
Of Thy Saints, for all eternity.



  1. I'm a catholic. Beautiful prayer.
    Your post makes me sad. Every girl has issues about her body, but you seem to be so sad.
    You really should try and love yourself for who you are.
    Everyone is beautiful in their own way, and if you can't love yourself then how can you love someone else?
    You really should pray and turn to God. And realize that you only live once, and God wouldn't want you to live like this...torturing yourself :(.
    Love you for you...I know it's easier said than done...but we are all made differently for a reason. And just because one guy or one girl or 20 guys or 20 girls etc. etc. may think you aren't pretty because you aren't "the norm" or what's in all the mags or on TV..then screw them!Because sooner than later you will find someone who will appreciate every bit of who you are! Inside and Out! :)
    Chin up!


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  3. m not catholic or even have a religion per se but i can still appreciate a goo prayer . like poetry.

    as far as your body issue or anorexia ( which is what i read that as sorry if that offends) i can definitely relate.

    i really love the feeling of being in control knowing that i passed a meal when no one else could .. im very sick about it sometimes because i say to other people tht they obsess over food and i dont but the truth i may not have the best relationship with food .im trying to work on it by eating things that make me feel good .. like lots of fish.. but again it just brings up arrogance.. like i'll think im better than some people who are fat and eat beef.. its all a bunch of lies to myself.
    I'm 108 pounds i think . .to me that my perfect weight but i wish i could be like 105 at least... even though thats considered underweight for someone my height.. im right at the borderline. im 5'3 by the way.. i hope you can take some time and think about the ways you perceive yourself and try to understand your thought process and analyze why you feel a certain way.. it may help you get closer to understanding your wayward relationship with food

  4. Chic, Chic baby! do you like the ideea of following each other?;X