100 pounds

Today I went to the Dr. and I am back to 100 lbs. Yay :(

I don’t want to deal with this for the rest of my life but I would rather deal with it than gain weight. This isn't a disease it's a decision for my future!
Yes, sometimes I skip meals just to feel the victory and sometimes I stare at my stomach in the mirror just to motivate myself and sometimes I eat just to feel guilty about it. I deprive myself so often that it kind of builds up and it gets harder and harder to control. I wish it were easier to just stop eating and exercise more but it’s the constant presence of it in my mind and the turning it over and over and the planning and the distorting and then I start to hyperventilate and I snap at my parents and I flex every muscle in my body and I suck my stomach in and the only things I can guiltlessly consume are ice water and celery. I want to be impossibly thin. I don’t ever want to see anyone thinner than me. I don’t care if this doesn’t make me more beautiful. All I want is to be thin and thinner and thinner than her.
Maybe it’s naïve of my parents to let me go back to school in a month. I should, honestly, be sent to live on a farm for a year. I should be forced to come to terms with myself.

Here is one pretty outfit that I am currently coveting.



Also, if any of you are catholic... or just interested.... this prayer is my favorite.

Anima Christi

Soul of Christ, sanctify me.
Body of Christ, save me.
Blood of Christ, inebriate me.
Water from the side of Christ, wash me.
Passion of Christ, strengthen me.
O good Jesus, hear me.
Within Thy wounds, hide me.
Separated from Thee let me never be.
From the malignant enemy, defend me.
At the hour of death, call me.
To come to Thee, bid me,
That I may praise Thee in the company
Of Thy Saints, for all eternity.

Amen.

my body is a cage

i've decided to stop doing the eating posts (obviously). they just give me a reason to think and obsess about food even more. i think i might be getting back in control slowly. food had become entirely disconnected from hunger, taste etc. and all about how i feel and how i look. i had (and sometimes still have) absolutely no control over when i eat/how much and purging is a whole other story. it's confusing to think about what's going on in my head and even harder to explain. anyways, i'm trying to ignore my feelings and eat normal meals. i don't really have a clue what normal is so i'm trying to eat about as much as my mother does.
i'm still screwing up though and feeling the wrong way about things. i will purposefully eat less than her to feel a small victory. it's pathetic, really.
and no matter what i do there isn't a single thing i think about more than food. this disorder has also brought about some other things that will probably be around for a while:
1. my aversion to eating around people
2. my aversion to people eating around me
3. my tendency to become agitated and snappy when food/eating is discussed (even if it's unrelated to me or my problem)

on the other hand these are some positive things:
1. i no longer dislike tomatoes or eggplant (probably because i have put all food on a pedestal. and i know what it feels like to deny myself food so all food suddenly becomes better)
2. more frequent exercise (even though sometimes it can be compulsive and excessive i don't think exercise is ever bad)

so yeah. that's that. things are better in my house. i'm talking to my parents more and i'll be able to go back to school in the fall (yay i hope).
i feel like i haven't done anything legitimately fun in a very long time. basically i'm either at work or sitting in my house reading blogs and watching hulu.

i should get out and go get a pretty manicure like this:

I have some questions I need answered...
1. Are all substances bad all the time?
2. Whose example do I follow?
3. What moral code do I use to make decisions?
4. Do I distance myself from people who I know aren't good examples?
5. How do I resist temptation FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE?

I'm not strong enough! I do things on whims and I don't think twice :/

Anyways, these looks from the fall topshop lookbook made my day:

my body is a temple.

this weekend i went to my grandparents house on the bay with my family and my two cousins. while there, my cousin (15) and i snuck a couple glasses of wine and accepted when my brother offered weed to us. my cousin then told her sister who told her dad who called my parents. i'm not sure what will happen. i was hoping to go back to school in the fall but now i don't know if they will let me. also, my brother has been living at the house and now his girlfriend is leaving him because she can't handle the drama. he was going to start working for my father because his current archeology dig is ending and now they're obviously not on good terms so he doesn't know what he will do. he thinks his life is over.
i personally don't care what happens to me. whatever my parents want to do i will take. my only goal is graduating from college and going to law school so i can get a good job.
i am so tired of hiding things and not being the right kind of person. i want to be able to have fun without drinking and smoking and i don't want to have to starve myself to feel pretty. my body is a temple. i will tell myself that every day until i believe it.

gluttony is a deadly sin.

Ughhhhh what do I do? Do I eat when I want to? Do I stuff myself full of cookies like I want to? What do I do when I feel disgusting and fat? I would eat all day if I could but the feeling that I would have if I did is something I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. Why do I have to deal with this every day?

I hate it.

I want to live in a foodless world. Or lock myself away with a treadmill, lots of books, and a small bag of celery in the fridge.

Food

Breakfast: iced coffee, raisin bran, whole milk, a scoop of vanilla yogurt (i'm a creature of habit)

Lunch: blt on french bread fresh from the bakery

Dinner: none

Snacks: 3 cookies, luigi's italian frozen ice

Exercise: 30 minute walk, 15 mins of yoga/pilates

Hi to all my non-existant readers :)

I think today is a good day. Last night I succeeded in not thinking about food nonstop and hopefully today I can keep it up. I also stood up for myself last night. I was supposed to go hang out with this guy (who has a world record in weight-lifting! but that's not important). I just got out of a relationship and I am really not trying to be attached to anyone right now and I also don't want to have casual hookups. It makes me feel bad. I hang out with (sleep with) people because they want me to regardless of how I feel about it way too often. So, I tried to explain that to him last night. He just ended up confused but whatever.

So, #1 on my shopping list for the fall is a cute bag I can carry around my laptop in. I found 3 satchels that I love but I feel like I'll probably have to spend a day carrying my laptop around to stores to find a good fit. These are some favorites I've found so far:

Forever 21 Worn Large Leatherette tote $32.80

Net-a-Porter

PROENZA SCHOULER

PS1 Medium suede satchel

$1,595

Cambridge Satchel Company £73.00

Urban Outfitters Canvas Caryall Satchel $48